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Horsham April 18

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Page 2|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukWelcometo The Funny Little Local Mag April 2018 Edition - 31CONTACT US Call 07506 730712 Email:horshamdorking@ localstreetwise.co.uk www.localstreetwise.co.ukEnjoy, JuliaTIC 2 FANTAS NS IO COMPETIT WINNER OF ARSENAL LEGENDS IN CONVERSATION is Janine Staff Congratulations WIN A MEAL FOR 4 at THE HOLIDAY INN See page 16 for full detailsNo part of this publication, including pictures may be copied, used or reproduced without our prior written consent. Local Streetwise does not accept any responsibility for alterations to events listed, claims made by our advertisers or information provided by our contributors.Page 4|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 5Cool Granny This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.become. >From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has Page 6|In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. contd on page 8To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 7Cool Granny cont’d contd from page 6 I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. # 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. Page 8|While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to p*** us off.Youve got to love her!!To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 99 Months About 9 months ago. Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Comemorning,theweatherhadcleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Bob. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... )Page 10|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 11Page 12|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 13Personal Ad AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2014-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy Page 14|with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex..To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 15Page 16|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 17Assistant A man in a supermarket in Florida tries to buy half s head of lettuce but the very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.” Themanager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?” “Canada, sir,” the boy replied. “Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.” “Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.” “No sh*t?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”Funny Things Said Funny Things Said by Police 1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal. 2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary! 3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket. 4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours. 5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?Page 18|6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation. 7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun. 8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION. 9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying. 10. HAVE A NICE DAY.To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 19Why? Why? Why? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check? Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try? How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more Page 20|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 21Celebrity Quips America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman ***** I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes ***** Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind ***** The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr ***** I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip ***** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford ***** The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan ***** Page 22|Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. ***** Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. ***** We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden ***** In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz **** If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson ***** Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante ***** As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn ***** If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven WrightTo advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 23Only in Australia The Dreaded Phone Call from the boss. My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?" I said, "It’s all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day." "Can you do me a favour?" he asked. I said "Of course, what is it?" "Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the group behind you."PRICELESS!!Page 26|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 27Newspaper HeadlinesPage 28|Headlines gone wrong!!To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 295 Answers THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wildA 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she repliedToo Much Beer This indeed is worrying Beer contains female hormones. Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotionalMen should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :Page 30|6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary. Tell all the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer.To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712 | Page 31Page 32|To advertise call 07506 730712 | www.localstreetwise.co.ukPlease mention Streetwise when replying to adverts|Tel: 07506 730712| Page 33Marketing You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.Page 34|You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the w
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